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April 28, 2010 

Letter to a Non-Pregnant Person

Via the email rounds...

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women, as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me – then you should probably read this twice.

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father – not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.

3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix, or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.

6. By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. Nor do we need to know how badly you will feel for us because we will be pregnant during the summer and how glad you are that YOU will not be pregnant this coming summer.

7. There is a reason that tickets to Labour & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL, or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.

8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital, and the parent’s home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules, and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Sincerely,
All the Pregnant Women in the World

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This is hilarious! Hopefully your non-pregnant entourage takes note.

I understand the intent behind what you are saying but some of it is pretty harsh. Especially as you seem to be directing most of it to the grandparents. But, like all things, I suppose it will go right over your head until YOU are about to be a grandparent and then perhaps having to wait three weeks to see the child or being told, 'you can come over to clean and cook but stay out of the way' will seem harsh and ungrateful to you.

Thanks for your post and welcome to check: here.

Pregnant women are smug! Us non preggars don't need an etiquette lesson, it's people like you who do.

We are a non pregnant couple and I think this is hilarious! People are definitely funny. Though if somebody were to do a letter to a pregnant woman I would add "You are not the first woman in the history of the world to have a baby".
I don't mean this towards the owner of this blog though. Just observations.

Sal and Olga - no offence would be taken if it was directed at me. I agree, I'm not the first person to have a baby. Someone should write that letter - I'd laugh and post that one too!

I have had 3 kids and I cannot agree with all your points more!! Well said! I compiled a similar list during pregnancy #2 and I will just say the mil was furious! That said, she was also not at the birth, and not around in the weeks afterward to cause additional stress...so there ya go.
Anyways, reading this cracked me up as it was taken right out of my head!

this is soo good!! I love it. Unfortunately- I have been guilty of a few of these. never again! Thank you!

Seems like we've had quite a few co-workers in the office who've been pregnant lately. It's simply amazing what I've heard people do and say. Your list may be a bit harsh but if anyone is actually doing the stuff on the list, they need to know it.

Nice tips.I liked it.

I could have used this 4 months ago! Having to be polite while hormonal,not easy. Trying to please everyone...waste of time.

You must have some wicked awful in-laws. The part about people helping out around the house is a joke though. If I had ANY help after having my babies, I don't remember it (could be the pain killers).

I went to visit my friend in the hospital after she delivered her first child (I had delivered the day before in the same hospital so I was still in the Women's Care unit). When I got to my friend's hospital room, I found a group of about 15 of her friends and family standing around chatting and laughing. My friend was in the bathroom trying to nurse her newborn. How rude that all those people would crowd her out of her own hospital bed and force her to sit on the toilet to struggle to nurse! Bad behavior people.

Get over yourself you are as insignificant as the rest of us.

Also, delivery pics should remain private. We don't want to see up close pics of our friends delivering!

I personally hope to never be pregnant, but if a slip happens I need to remember this post so I can make prints and hand them out to everyone I come in contact with

hahaha very funny! I seem to be surrounded by pregnant friends, all in different stages at the moment, and being non-pregnant but hoping be soon, this list is essential! Everyone knows that grandparents get excited too, that friends want to get involoved and be Aunts or Uncles, but there are also a host of people who just don't seem to have the respect or know where to draw the line. It's not about the parents being the most important people in the world, but about them being the most important in that little growing circle. Let them have their way, there's always plenty of time to get involved later!

Don't be so angry. Not good for your baby.

Hehe! I found your blog quite randomly by hitting "Next Blog" on Blogger! I just love this post, wonderful tongue-in-cheek sarcastic humour. I've never had kids, but I know if I ever did, I'd be having all those exact thoughts myself - mostly directed at my mother who feels she owns myself and my sister! Hope your pregnancy is going well otherwise!

Love this post, nice tips, keep it up mate.

I do understand... but if the ppl u know love u and u love them... u wud be easily able to tell them that on face and they wud not feel offended... but sometimes granparrent our of love say they are their babies... not that gives them any owner ship rights on them... its juts aphrrase of love... i do feel a lot of love for my neice and nephew and call them my kids...i dont know if my bhabi gets offended... but i know she doesnt... and if she does... its her problem not mine... cuz i love them too and i will always call them my own...but i know my place and so does she... no one can snatch ur kid away from u... but if ull feel too possessive... u may lose them... remember god has been kind to u to grant u a kid... its been given to u tyo care for not to claim and possess like a tag or object. love is free and full of selfless devotion...

I just stumbled across your blog (all the way over here in the USA!) I am a mom of 4 and LOVED the letter! Perfect! To all the haters....if you have ever been pregnant, you know every one of these points are TRUE! So I assume they never have been. I love my IL's dearly, doesn't mean I want a parade in my delivery room!

Heard this the other day... got a kick out of it!
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011/04/07/megyn-kelly-5-things-say-pregnant-woman/

LOL...LOVED IT...since I'm a mother...(she is about to be 2)...good points!! ;)

Haha this is brilliant, I've never been pregnant myself but I understand how it must feel with half of them stuff!

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